Urgent Post Needed: A Mother’s Fear in 2022

Update: March 2023

I titled this original blog post a mothers fear 2022. I wrote it after the mass shooting at a Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas. Here we are, 3 months into 2023 and where are we? Life is slightly returning to normal regards to the Covid-19 pandemic: that’s great. That said, our country remains “normal” in regards to our priorities, where our compassion lies, our laws, who we choose to protect, and why isn’t it our children?

What Do We Do?

But what do we do? What can I do? I really do not know. Suggestions welcome. I try to lead by example, I try to vote most importantly in local elections and for officials that I hope values align with mine. This summer and fall, I wrote 500 postcards encouraging North Carolinians to consider who they are voting for and at least get out there during the midterms and vote for someone. 

I try to parent my daughter to the best of my ability. Teaching her to love others, to lead with empathy and compassion, not to judge harshly because you never know what someone else is facing. Also, I try to teach her to to stand strong in herself. Stand strong in her beliefs and fight for what’s right and most importantly, for the people that need her help. To encourage and stand up for those that might not be able to speak for themselves. 

Mass Shootings are Not New

Our kids aren’t old enough to vote. Most of the young kids directly effected by mass shootings in America aren’t old enough to comprehend what is really going on. To be able to fight for their right to live in front of our government. 

I remember being in school during the time that the Columbine mass shooting happened. I was sad, I felt uneasy, I couldn’t believe someone would or could do that and act in so much hate. But I didn’t fear for my life in that way. Then, the “DC Sniper” was killing people in my county of Maryland, in my 20 mile radius. I was locked in my 10th grade English class on lockdown because he killed someone and was seen only a few miles away. That was unnerving. But in the 10th grade, I think it’s still normal to think naively: that wouldn’t happen here. That couldn’t happen to me or someone I love. Then he shot a child with a shotgun walking into middle school. (And on a side note, our ass’s STILL had to go to school! I had to WALK to school. They told us to walk in a zig-zag pattern to make us a more difficult target. WTF?! My kids school closes for the threat of wind)

And Another One

Then I was in college when the Virginia Tech mass shooting happened, and it hit a little close to home. My cousin was living in Blacksburg, Virginia at that time, and I was living on a college campus. And it was scary. But I did still have that idealistic thought, “well that would never happen to me”, right? 

I don’t feel like that anymore. This can happen. It can happen at my daughters school. She could be killed by a student, a former student, and angry parent, a random bystander outside at recess. And it’s terrifying. A mass shooting happened at a grocery store, a movie theatre, and at a church. Where is the Evangelical outrage for that one? At a Christian school? Multiple mass shootings have happened at elementary schools. 

Kylie doesn’t understand that there are people with power in our country, elected officials, public figures, leaders, who care more about guns, power, and money than her life. They cared about her life when she was a fetus growing inside me, but now? I don’t think so. 

Pro-Life?

I am Pro-Life. I am pro baby’s lives, kids lives, adults lives, nurses lives (oh yea because some of those were also shot and killed in Dallas, TX recently), I am pro transgendered lives, and pro lives of people who dress in drag. I am pro mothers lives, which means I am also pro-choice. Pro-choice does not usually mean pro-abortion. “Pros and cons” means for and against. I am not for abortion for funsies… but I am pro a medically necessary abortion when a mother is septic from a fetus not compatible with life, a mother who is already in kidney failure before their unborn baby is at the age of viability and the decision could be life and death, and they need to be able to go home and care for other children. Because I am also pro those kids having their mother. I am also pro no one having to explain to be what their reasons are, especially if it does not directly effect me and our countries safety because that is their body and decision. 

Pro Drag Queens

Right now, Florida is proposing a law to ban Drag Shows because they could be a danger to children… Insert blank stare. 

Children who see a drag performance at brunch on a Saturday afternoon might be in danger of being curious and asking their parents why that tall lady with all the makeup kinda looks like a man. Gosh, the horror for that parent to explain the entertainment to their kid. The horror. Trust me, I don’t love the awkward feeling of now knowing how to answer what I feel is a difficult question from a child. This is a bit TMI… so feel free to skip to the next paragraph maybe… I felt VERY uncomfortable when Kylie walked in on me in the bathroom changing my tampon during a super heavy period day and there was blood on my hand and the toilet. She was horrified. “Mommy, what is that?! What is going on?”. She was like 5 years old… I didn’t know how to explain a period to a 5 year old. But I got through that moment. I don’t think she’s scarred for life. Well not due to that incident at least.

We all came into this world naked. The rest is all drag

RuPaul Andre Charles

She has a friend at school that is…well, I don’t want to label her friend. But her friend is biologically male and goes by she pronoun. Her friend is already pretty skilled at makeup and has beautiful long blonde hair. They have been classmates since first grade, now fourth grade, and this process has been transitioning more and more since then if that makes sense. For example, she used to call her friend by the pronoun He in first and second grade. And Kylie is fine. We have had great conversations about this. I found a way to explain it. She has had playdates with her friend where her friend felt comfortable enough to explain a few things to Kylie like going to therapy to talk about it, and how it’s hard for her friends younger brother to call her She. It makes Kylie a better person. She is a good friend. It grows her capacity for empathy and what it means to be a good friend. I think thats pretty damn cool. 

Critical Race Theory… oh, You Mean United States History?

But what can I expect from the same group of people who also want to make it illegal to teach students historical events that shaped this country regarding racism and slavery. I guess they don’t want to be uncomfortable. Are they uncomfortable hearing on the news that there was yet ANOTHER school mass shooting killing for adults and children? Because that makes me extremely uncomfortable. 

So What Needs to Happen Next?

In 1996, there was a school shooting in Scotland that killed 16 students and 1 teacher. After that, parents in the town mobilized and pressured the United Kingdoms government to take action. By the next year, most private ownership of most types of handguns were banned, ban on semi-automatic weapons, and the need for registration for owners of shotguns. No school shootings since. None. 

Click to check my source

“But this is ‘merica, and we have the right to bare arms…its in the constitution”…

But What About the Constitution?

Well, did you know that the 18th amendment stated that alcohol was illegal to both produce and consume in the United States? And the 21st amendment repealed aforementioned 18th amendment. So 1, how many of the people that shout their right to bare arms because of the second amendment know all 27 of them? How man do you think the average pro-gun person knows? Maybe 5? 6? And number 2, it is constitutional to create an amendment to repeal a previous amendment. 

But I don’t even think thats necessary. More people just need to understand that a law or a one sentence part of the constitution is not a blanket statement that covers any sort of scenario. We all know the first amendment is free speech, well I hope you know that. And we all know the example given where that is not covered is something like you can’t yell fire in a crowded movie theatre when there is no fire. You can’t spew lies, especially purposely, about other people and cover yourself under free speech. That’s slander. 

Fact: Assault Weapons Make Shootings More Lethal

So why do people insist that the right to bare arms means that an 18 year old can own a semi-automatic gun? A weapon that has the potential for fire more bullets (a large magazine without needing to reload) faster and further (3,251 feet per second compared to the 1,200 feet per second on a 9 mm handgun) therefore causing more destruction and its gunshots being more lethal. It sure as shit shouldn’t cover that. 

Guess what, a little factoid about me that you might not guess reading down this far? We have guns in our home. My husband is licensed to carry, even a concealed weapon, and has both a hand gun and a shot gun. Both houses in gun safes with a key and a code out of site and reach of our daughter and the average house guest. If a disgruntled ob-gyn resident comes to attack me in the home in the middle of the night, first I hope my pitbull Duke alerts us and scares them away. But if my family’s life is in danger then I am glad my husband has access for a weapon he has been trained and practiced using. That is an example of the right to bare arms in my opinion. 

That was a long update. While this is one of my least favorite topics, this is where my most favorite benefit of this blog comes in. I was able to type out my feelings, and it just flowed through my mind and to my finger tips on the MacBook (team Apple). The words come easy when it is something that is important. 

We Absolutely Do Not Have Time to Wait to Take Action

So again I ask, what do we do next? Please give me your suggestions. This cannot be another few weeks of “thoughts and prayers” and outrage posts on Instagram and Facebook and then… crickets. We all know what happens after that. We share funny memes, a new trend goes viral on TikTok, some sort of weather disaster occurs probably related to climate change, maybe an election that has you blocking people on Facebook. A few months pass and we repeat the cycle. And in the process more people are killed. And next time it could be Kylie. It could be your son or nephew or grandmother. 

Check out Everytown.org… an organization started about a year after the Sandy Hook mass school shooting in conjunction with Moms Demand Action. A movement which was started by a mom on Facebook the DAY after Sandy Hook.

Please share. Share my words, because maybe someone else needs to read them. Someone might be in the depths of despair, feeling hopeless about the state of society. But there are caring people out here. We don’t always say the best things, and put words into action, put our money where our mouth is…but we care. We are heartbroken. 

Original Post From 2022 below:

Another Mass Shooting Requires an Emergency Post

I had another planned post all written out. I just need to get it organized and formatted to post, but I cannot let another day pass before I write out and process my feelings after this horrific week. This is all way too important to just click share on a few outrage posts on my instagram story. Another mass shooting at an elementary school, really? When will this change?

WTF?

Can we just start by saying what we are all thinking: WHAT. THE. FUCK? What is wrong with this world, America especially? Lets just give a quick recap of May 2022…

• May 2nd- a draft of a supreme court document that plans to overturn Roe V Wade is leaked
  • Outrage ensues
• May 11th- The beginning of a major baby formula shortage in the United States.
  • People are driving to other states and crowd sourcing on Facebook to find cans of formula. Moms are donating their own frozen breast milk to help other moms. Some women even trying to re-lactate by pumping every 2 hours to make some sort of food for their infant 
  • Minimal cricket chirps heard from the federal government
• May 14th- a self proclaimed white supremacist murders 10 innocent Black people in a Buffalo, NY grocery store via mass shooting
  • Murderer taken into custody safely 
  • Minimal social media presence 
• May 24th- Our current tragedy to mourn, 19 elementary students and 2 teachers killed in a mass shooting by an 18 year old gun man with an AR-15 rifle
  • Making this the second deadliest mass shooting of a K-12 school, the first being Sandy Hook in 2012 

Whew, what a month so far. Did I miss anything? As of Tuesday, the 144th day of 2022, there have been 213 mass shootings recorded in the United States. 

** Mass shooting being defined as an event where 4 or more people, not including the shooter, are killed or seriously injured by gun violence. Mass murder being defined as 4 or more deaths, not including the killer, but this is not exclusive to gun as the weapon. The statistic for mass murders so far in 2022 is 10**

Let’s Take a Look Back at the Last 20 years to Put All These Numbers and Events in Context

I literally had to narrow the list down by starting in 1999 with Columbine, focusing on the 21st century and only including events with greater than 10 deaths, just to be concise, not because those aren’t important. It is absolutely horrific. 

• 1999- Columbine High School: 13 dead (including 2 killers) Semi automatic pistol and shotgun
  • _{Insert a nice & relaxing break where we get to think that was a rare incident of two disturbed young men that needed mental illness treatment. Ahhh good times…}
• 2007: Virginia Tech: 32 dead (including 1 killer) semi automatic pistol
• 2009: Fort Hood: 14 dead, semi automatic pistol and revolver
• 2009: Binghampton, NY: 13 dead (inc. 1 killer), semi automatic pistol
• 2012: Aurora, CO Movie Theatre: 12 dead, semi automatic rifle, pistol, & shotgun
• 2012: Sandy Hook Elementary: 27 dead (inc. 1 killer), semi automatic rifle, bolt action rifle, and pistol
• 2013: Washington DC Navy Yard: 12 dead (inc. 1 killer), semi automatic pistol and shotgun
• 2015: San Bernardino Attack: 14 dead (inc. 2 killers), semi automatic rifles
• 2016: Orlando Pulse Nightclub: 49 dead (inc. 1 killer), semi automatic rifle and pistol
• 2017: Sutherland Springs Church: 26 dead (inc. 1 killer), semi automatic rifle
• 2017: Las Vegas Concert: 60 dead (inc. 1 killer), semi automatic rifle and bolt action rifle
• 2018: Pittsburgh Synagogue: 11 dead, semi automatic rifles and pistol
• 2018: Thousand Oaks California: 12 dead (inc. 1 killer), semi automatic pistol
• 2018: Stoneman Douglas High School: 17 dead, semi automatic rifle
• 2019: Virginia Beach: 12 dead (inc. 1 killer), semi automatic pistols
• 2019: El Paso Walmart: 23 dead, semi automatic rifle
• 2022: Robb Elementary, Uvalde, TX: 22 dead (inc. 1 killer), semi automatic rifle

Looking at the Data

Covid must have had a positive impact on the violence being that there are none that meet the criteria in 2020 and 2021! Yay Covid. But wait, per the CDC’s latest numbers, the death toll for the United States is up to 1,000,984 people, and that is only deaths where covid-19 was specifically listed on the death certificate. Newer studies are estimating that Covid contributed to millions more. So never mind, no yay covid. Boo Covid. 

How Can This be Real Life?

How can this be real life? Why is this so much more common and more deadly in the United States vs. the rest of the world? I’m sure there any many opinions and feelings from varying different sides and sources. But I’ll just point out a fact from the above list; every single shooter used a semi automatic gun, with capability to self reload and increase the capability and speed of rapid fire, which we can infer equals increased ability for many more victims in a much shorter time.

How about mental health? I agree whole heartedly that this country has a major crisis with treating mental illness. But the numbers show a stark difference when comparing other industrialized nations with similar numbers, some even greater, of percent of the population with mental illness vs. deaths by gun violence per 100,000 people in the population. So I 100% agree; lawmakers, healthcare providers, and insurance companies need to understand MENTAL HEALTH CARE = HEALTH CARE. But I think it’s obvious; that is not the primary problem and wouldn’t be the primary solution. I will leave that there. 

But This is my Real Life

When my dad text me and told me “don’t let Kylie see the news, there was an elementary school shooting today”, I didn’t even want to acknowledge him. I didn’t even let that text sink into my brain. I couldn’t google anything; purposely did not scroll on Facebook, I couldn’t handle it. Nope, can’t handle this right now; I have had a busy schedule and stress load with work lately. The next day, I got called in on call because we were short staffed and yesterday I worked a regular scheduled 12 hour shift. 

Every day, even before this, I make sure to run upstairs before I leave for work early in the morning to peek in on Kylie to make sure she is alive and see her before I leave (yea, I know that’s an anxiety compulsion). If I am running crazy late and I miss it, I don’t feel relaxed until I text Travis or my dad to make sure someone checks in on her.

Well Wednesday morning, I walked to her room like normal. I gave her a kiss on her cheek and I whispered that I love her and started to walk away. Then my heart pulled me back. I went back to Kylie, staring at her peacefully sleeping, I smelled her hair, I stroked her soft cheek. And I thought, what if something happens, will I remember this smell, will I remember where her beauty mark on her chin is, will I ever be able to talk to her again? I really wanted to wake her up so I could hear her voice. The tears started flowing and the spiral starting. I stopped it, turned it off. Nope, I can’t do this right now, must head to work. Need to be able to function. 

Last night when I got home from work, Travis and Kylie had already left the house to go to a Hurricanes hockey game. Driving home, I had a major headache start up but I did have time alone for the first time in a very long time. I am an introvert and I have a very strong need to be alone; I need time to rest and recharge, and I need to process my feelings by myself. I’m pretty sure my headache was from dehydration because I never find time to drink water while at work, plus I think my brain is so full of stress and feelings, and I use so much brain and heart power with my patients at work… it probably wanted to explode. I got in the bed, chugged some water, and didn’t even drink any wine. You know I’ve crossed the line when I don’t even want wine.

Travis sent me picture and videos of him and Kylie having an amazing time at the game, and there it was. That opened the gate. I opened my phone and saw all the outrage on social media, saw the painfully accurate memes shared, and I let myself feel. I can’t help but to think this could happen to me, to anyone, anytime.

We Can all Imagine a Mass Shooting

The phrase, “I can’t even imagine…” does not apply; every parent CAN imagine. That’s what makes it hurt so deep. Obviously, we have learned nothing and have done nothing to make real change because the numbers have just gotten worse since the start of the century. I think about how the parents of those elementary schoolers must feel when they had to give DNA samples to identify some of the children because they are so badly mutilated. How can any parent survive that? 

Then I read that the husband of one of the teachers who was killed just died of a heart attack. He is me. I know with certainty that I could not survive such a traumatic loss. It is just so sad. Also this week, I found out a nurse that I sometimes work with that floats from a different hospital just lost her husband very sudden and unexpected. She has a toddler son and is pregnant now. I cannot let myself go down that path in my mind, but it is very hard. I cry like that was my husband that died, because it could be. Life in precious and life is short. 

How do people like me survive in this society?

My therapist, Allison (who really has her work cut out for her), tells me that I am a highly sensitive person, and have a hard time separating other peoples feelings from my own. An example of this, if you refer and read my latest post How Many Diagnosis’ Can One Person Have?, when I was very mad at Travis for seemingly lacking all sympathy and empathy. This week, it was very obvious to me that he was in a bad mood and he wouldn’t say that. He wouldn’t tell me what was wrong.  I spoke to Allison about all this and how frustrating it is, and how it effects my mood greatly. She explains that Travis probably has a hard time not only communicating his feelings, but even understanding what he is feeling. That I most likely was feeling his feelings more than he was himself, and when he said nothing was wrong, he might have been telling his truth.

People say this is a great quality, a super power even, and that it is a component that makes me a great nurse. I hate it. I hate always having such big feelings all the time. Can I just be a little bit of a sociopath, just a tad? Then all the worlds problems won’t overwhelm me so strongly. Things just seem to be getting worse and worse; how do people like me continue to survive in this society?

We Need to be Better about REALLY Being Pro Life

Not just me and super sensitive emotional wrecks; how can any mother, or any parent, be expected to carry on during this time?! Don’t dare get pregnant unintentionally, make sure to advocate for yourself during your pregnancy in labor, especially if you are a woman of color, because the possibility of maternal and fetal death is way greater in America than any other country. Oh and after you give birth, I hope you have some savings because you need to go back to work earlier than puppies are able to be adopted from their mothers. Formula feed? Hmmmm that could be an issue, I would suggest keeping a stock pile because you’re going to spend a hell of a lot of money on gas driving around trying to find food for your newborn. And when your kids get a little older, make sure you teach them how to spot strangers in school and hide under desks and lock the doors in case of a school shooting. Wouldn’t be a bad idea to invest in a bullet proof backpack or back pack insert; yea that’s a thing. Just saw an ad for one on instagram, this morning. 

America the Great

I know some will read this and roll their eyes and say I’m being dramatic or hyperbolic, but it’s reality in the “greatest country in the world”… as evidenced just by events of May of this year! I don’t know what to do next. This has to stop. We need real change. We have to break this cycle of mass shooting/unarmed Black person shot by police, etc -> thoughts & prayers -> social media outrage and debates -> government does nothing -> everyone forgets and moves along…-> next catastrophic event…

It isn’t much, but I was inspired by an old school friend on instagram that posted a call to action: do not just share the same stories and posts and give your thoughts and prayers. Find a way to act. So I signed up to write 500 postcards to encourage voter turn out in November. We need to remind ourselves that while the Presidential election is important, our states and nations Senators and House representatives carry even more power as a collective.

Click Here if you Interested in Helping to Increase Voter Turnout

https://www.turnoutpac.org/postcards-faq/

If there is any other ideas to pass along of meaningful action we can take to make this country a better place for our children and grandchildren, please tell me! These kids don’t deserve all the trauma they have already been through, we as parents and a society need to protect them, and protect them with more than a bullet proof backpack.

ashley Puckett, RN

Mental Mommy Nurse