Coping Mechanisms

For the Birthday Blues and Other Triggering Days

Yesterday (January 11th) was my birthday. Are you one of those people that celebrates your birthday all month? You have multiple lunches and dinners with your friends, maybe you justify purchases for yourself because “its still my birthday”. I am nothing like that. I have a love hate relationship with my birthday. Well love is a strong word… I have a wanting to love but hate relationship I think. Every year I get sad, mad, moody, and throw myself a pity party instead of a birthday party to “celebrate” the day I was born. I have coined this term: the birthday blues. I have always been like this. I have tried to utilize coping mechanisms to get through this feeling, but this year… this year was a doozy.

It was a pretty specific milestone birthday that most people don’t have to celebrate, especially so early in life. I am going to tell you all about it and coping mechanisms I used yesterday to try and smile through it and appreciate the good things that were done for me or texted to me yesterday. 

This is a semi-comprehensive list of coping mechanisms to use for regular ole’ anxiety and depression too, things I am trying to be better at utilizing. But yesterday, I made a very conscious effort to “turn my frown upside down” using some of these techniques. We are all in this together, well all of us that struggle with life, motherhood, mental illness, etc etc… those happy people that seem to have it all? Fuck those bitches.

The Birthday Blues

I feel like this could be a semi-common feeling people get on their birthday for certain reasons. Maybe they really are getting older whether that be turning the big 4-0 and you aren’t ready for such big numbers, or maybe your significant other is deployed on your birthday. Maybe, this is your first birthday post divorce and you aren’t in the mood to celebrate. But I get this depression every year starting the few days before my birthday. And I feel like such a freak, like I am the only one. I know statistically that can’t be true. 

I think this started when I was young because when you have a birthday in January, a few things effect your special day: it’s right after Christmas and people are wiped out, tired, and broke. Also, especially if you live in the mid-atlantic or north east, you usually have pretty unpleasant weather. I have had to cancel many birthday parties because of snow and ice. 

Holding onto Hope

Then, as I got older, I always wanted to be thought of as someone really special and important on that day. And if you have read any of my other articles, you know I didn’t have parents or an upbringing that supported that wish. I never had a surprise party, never had a party that I didn’t plan myself. When you grow up in a toxic environment without parental support, stability, or truly feeling loved and cared for, it is actually pretty silly to think that those things would change for your birthday. But we all have irrational wants, and hold onto hope for something better. 

Now, reflecting back on all of this, I am sure that built up a lot of negativity and a hard wall around me that really got strong on my birthday. So I am sure I can’t see when people are trying to celebrate me, or I am having a good day on January 11th through such a thick wall. 

A Whole New World

When we moved to North Carolina, I lost my whole world. I have Kylie and Travis but that was it. And at that time, Kylie had just turned one year old and she was a very very tough to deal with baby and toddler that honestly didn’t show a whole lot of love to me. (Maybe this is my newly realized postpartum depression talking? Read more about that here)

I moved away from my Aunt Donna, which I didn’t appreciate at the time and realize all the support I left behind. My very best friends that I had mostly from middle school and high school and my job that I actually liked and co-workers that I felt actually appreciated me. In my twisted head, I really got down low thinking people forgot about me, didn’t care I left, didn’t miss me, never made an effort to come to NC to visit me. 

So, when my birthday rolled around, about 3 months after the big move, I took it off my Facebook profile. I wanted to see who really would remember and reach out. I got a few texts, mostly the next day when people realized it had passed.

Travis did his best

He got me a really cute cake (I am going to find a picture of it, it’s worth sharing), and got me an appointment for a massage all by myself. I don’t like massages. They aren’t relaxing to me. Some with anxiety might be able to relate. I just cannot turn my brain off, I am so aware of what they are doing. If they seem to be trying to lift my leg, I just lift it. I’m very tense… so you know, the opposite effect. And I didn’t want to be by myself. I already felt lonely and alone. But, how rude and ungrateful do you sound to your husband who just tried to put thought into a special day. Plus, that first year in NC was really hard on our marriage already. 

Doing Things out of Spite for your Birthday is Truly an Arrow Pointed at Yourself

I still haven’t put my birthday back on my Facebook page. But before you even think it, trust me I know how ridiculous that is. It’s like a grudge, it hurts you much more than the person you are holding the grudge against. Restricting my birthday posts, texts, etc only hurts me, all in the name of seeing who “truly remembers”. But it’s just one of those things, hard for me to change. 

Let’s Start with some Strategies

Let us interrupt sad ‘woe is me’ story time, to start talking about some strategies. Strategies to change the thought processes in our depressed and anxious brains. Especially when we have a brain that is lying to us saying no one loves us; no one cares. 

Positive Affirmations

Ok, this one sounds real woo woo and a little too therapy-like to me. But it really does help. Even if you don’t believe it, saying things (especially out loud) that are positive, especially the opposite of some negative thoughts you are having can help. That whole “fake it til you make it” can really work.

So yesterday, when I got a lot of nice texts from friends, family, and co workers, my usual thoughts tell me things like, “well, they are at work and one person actually remembered, so now the rest are just following along”. Or “my bff tagged me in a photo on Facebook, so they just saw that, my friends since 2001 didn’t actually remember”. “Travis’ grandmother texted my sister in laws to remind them to text me”, etc etc. It’s much more helpful to say “these friends care enough to make sure they told me happy birthday and that they were thinking about me”. “I have been apart of Travis’ family for over 16 years now, give your sister in laws some credit”. “Ashley, you yourself forget to answer texts or do the simplest things because you did them in your head and never actually responded, you are far from perfect”

Journaling

This is a coping mechanism that is well known and highly recommended by most mental health professionals. But for some reason, it can be hard for me to do on the reg. But if I am in a major anxiety attack or spiraling down a deep well of depression, if I can use my meds, breathing, support from Kylie (which gives me a major will to get my shit together in front of her), and cold therapy, then the next step is to write all those feelings and thoughts out. Usually I am in such a way that I am writing furiously. My handwriting looks like a serial killer, I often skip words because my brain works faster than my hand and pen.

Speaking of that, do other people do that? I think it’s from my ADHD. I do it just in daily like too while typing or texting. And trust me, anyone who knows me can you tell you I text fast. I use only my right thumb and it can move. Ok… back to topic (freaking ADHD). 

Bullet Journal

Another way to journal I have read about and slightly tried. Well I had the thought to try, haven’t put forth much effort, is bullet journaling. Instead of feeling like you need to write like you are on a teen drama tv show… “dear diary, today I had a revelation…” you can make a list. Maybe a list of current feelings, a list of shit that pissed you off today, or a list of what you are going to do better tomorrow.

There is also a strategy I thought of (at least I think I thought of it, could have heard it somewhere), is a three word feelings check in. I have the HARDEST time being in touch with my feelings. I feel like this has worsened since starting therapy. Which makes no sense, because therapy is supposed to get you in touch with your feelings. But through therapy (see, still helpful) I learned that I have been bottling up and ignoring so many of my feelings for years, even the good ones, to protect myself and try to be numb. My therapist says you can’t fully feel great joy until you let yourself feel the great pain. I had anger down. I think that’s the only emotion I could really feel, it took the place of sad. But now I am sad all the time… I just want to feel happy sometimes.

I have tried the three emotion check in thing and all I can usually think of is: tired (which isn’t an emotion), confused, and meh. But in theory and with much more consistency and effort, it could be a way to help me identify my feelings but better.

Back to the Birthday Blues

Stop relying on other peoples love to determine your self-worth and self-love. OK, so what if you do have kinda crappy friends or family that really did totally forget your birthday? Or that were supposed to plan something really fun that you were looking forward to and they slacked and it just didn’t come through? You have a right to feel a little down and upset. But if these people are pretty good people. People who are your support system most of the time, then you got to give a little grace. And you have to celebrate yourself.

Know that you are still loved, and if you really don’t have great people in your life that you expected more from, fuck them hoes. Love yourself. Celebrate yourself. Get your free drink from Starbucks. DAMN, I just realized! My ass JUST went to Starbucks and I didn’t notice if I have a free drink on my app. UGH, be better than me. Wait, they do still give a free drink on your birthday right? Pay attention to anything you get free for your birthday.

Practice self care. And that doesn’t have to be taking yourself for a massage and buying yourself a Gucci purse. Check out my article on what real self care should look like, especially for moms. Take a nap. Don’t feel guilty for “doing nothing”. You are doing something; you are resting. Catch up on your favorite show or watch that documentary you have been wanting to watch. I suggest Bravo and my girls the real housewives as a form of self care. But if you watch something quality like Yellowstone or The Crown, some shit like that, go for it I guess. 

What about planning something for your damn self?

This is somewhere I really struggle but need to get over it. I always want others to put in the effort, to show they care. But then I am always disappointed. It’s insane. I keep doing the same thing over and over, and keep getting disappointment. Plan that girls trip. Pick the place, pick the date, send out the invite and whoever comes comes, and who doesn’t doesn’t. And those that don’t, probably still love you and think you are important. But most of us are grown and have a lot of responsibilities and priorities to juggle. 

Milestone Birthday

Now, to why this specific “milestone” birthday was especially sucky. Yesterday, I turned 36 years old. Y’all, I am old. I am advanced maternal age. The girlies or nurses that know, know, the ones who don’t, don’t. 36 usually isn’t considered a milestone. 30 sure, 40 definitely. But this one is big to me. My mom died when she was 36 years old. It was December, she was 36, and I was 14 with my 15th birthday right around the corner. When you are a kid and even a teen, 36 seems old. Parents just don’t understand right? Especially in the 90’s and the 2000’s… we didn’t have YouTube to help us follow trends and get makeup tutorials. And the selection of stylish clothes for adults was limited.

Embarrassing pictures loading…

But now that me and my friends are mostly all in our 30’s and 40’s, we don’t feel THAT OLD. 36 is still young. Many people are having their first baby at 36, they are still in college at 36, they still go party at the bars at 36. 

But my mom, she had her babies at 20 and 21, she “partied” and was reckless her whole life. She sure looked older, if it wasn’t for box dye. She had a fuck ton of grays already. Thankfully, I have none so far. It was probably the drugs and the hard life. But I knew my mom wasn’t old. She had a very kid like heart and demeanor, and due to her own trauma, I guess she never really grew up mentally or emotionally. Plus, my dad is much older than her, so she was the young parent. 

So anyway, back to my birthday

I am now the same age as my mom when she died. And to think how truly young (in the grand scheme of life) I still am. That’s really sad and mind blowing. I knew this day was coming. When I first started therapy in January 2020, I talked about my birthday blues then, my therapist warned me that 36 would be a trigger. So I am not sure if that always stuck with me and this is a self fulfilling prophecy, but either way, it is very triggering. 

My thoughts start to spiral into dark places

I cannot even imagine dying right now and leaving Kylie without a mother. Missing out on so much of her life. And to be honest, missing out so much on my own life.

Growing up with minimal and getting married young and Travis and I starting from the bottom together, we still haven’t experienced a lot of “the finer things in life”. We had a modest wedding that we payed for ourselves, a very budgeted and not very fancy, short honeymoon. We spent out mid 20’s fighting through the stress of infertility and then spent our money on that. And here we are, mid 30’s and finally have what we have always wanted. A house in a nice suburban neighborhood, with a small fenced yard and a garage! In one of my previous posts, I believe I wrote about the significance of a garage for me and how I cried when I first pulled into mine. I have a vehicle from this decade and it has leather seats and a sunroof, and not to brag, but the seats are even heated!

But most of our extra money goes to Kylies competitive cheer gym and extras for that. So we still haven’t taken an extravagant vacation. I want to go to Napa Valley 🍷🍷, I want to go to Italy 🍷🍷🍝, I want to go to London 🪄⚡️, and I really want to take Kylie to New Orleans ⚜️🪦💜💛💚. 

Coping Mechanism: an example of Positive Affirmations

To elaborate on something I thought of regarding the above, here is another “positive affirmation” type thought process I am trying to utilize more often. To remember that a lot of what you have now, you once were praying, wishing or working for. This is a great way to practice gratitude, which I personally suck at. My mind is often so consumed with the negative I forget to be grateful for all I have. So let’s try it, here is an example that you can hopefully I apply to your own life. 

I can be envious of the elaborate birthday party with a party bus that my daughter just went to her first bday party sleepover (or as I call it, spinnanight), but let me remember and be grateful the beautiful single-family house I own. The house that has a fenced in back yard, garage AND a refrigerator in that garage! Let me think back to when Travis and I were living with my dad and aunt Donna in a tiny townhouse in a not-so-great neighborhood called Cinnamon Woods, lovingly referred to by some as “criminal hoods”. When we would lay and talk about the day when we had our own apartment or town house and we could hang pictures on the wall and decorate. 

But we always want more, want better

Let me remember back when I was trying to get pregnant and would be depressed every month when I got my period, when my marriage was so strained from the stress (and my crazy obsession TBH). And now enjoy my time with Kylie, even though she can be an annoying almost pre-teen that lost her coat and takes all my money for cheer. There was a time when I just wanted to hold a baby of my own, and my now 9 year old baby still likes to sit in my lap and lets me lay with her and snuggle. Really being conscious of those things.Maybe even saying them out loud or writing them down is a great coping strategy. Question: I just had a thought, is it out loud or aloud? I know it’s not allowed. The English language is hard.

Ok, Back on Topic…

My mom missed most of my life, honestly, even when she was still alive. But after she died there was no chance of return. She missed my graduation, my wedding, she wasn’t there to cry to when me and Travis had rough times, when I couldn’t get pregnant, or to celebrate I was pregnant. It’s probably a fools dream to think this, but I always wondered, if she didn’t die and somehow could have turned her life around and get help, she would never be able to turn back time and be the mom I needed most of my life, but maybe she could have been here now. 

It is just really mind-blowing to think, I am the same age she was when she died. I have been alive without her on this earth much longer than I was with her. Travis and I have been together since I was 18 years old, and now I am double that. He has been a huge part of my life for half of it. Longer that my mom was. 

This is something so many people are lucky and blessed to not have to think about, or in my case, dwell on. But I know others that have experiences that may elicit the same triggers. So here are some strategies I used yesterday to get though the day, and be present with Travis (who took off work to be with me on a Wednesday). To enjoy the nice North Carolina weather that we were lucky to have in January. And these are strategies that can be used when you are struggling any day of the year, not just for the birthday blues. 

Coping Mechanisms and How I’ve used Them

Recap of the strategies discussed above

• Journaling
• Positive Affirmations even if you don’t believe them yet
• Gratitude reflection

Now for a few more…

Choose Joy, Focus on What Makes you Happy Right Now

Focus on what would make you feel as happy as you can and bring you joy right now 

Travis had planned to take off work and for us to get pedicures and manicures together and probably go to lunch, and then whatever I want to do next. A problem I have been having the past few years is being in touch with my feelings and my wants. It’s more than just being indecisive about where to eat dinner. My mind goes totally blank in therapy. I can’t recall what happened since we last spoke, I can’t identify my feelings. I sometimes can’t even tell if I am hungry or not. So when Travis asked what would I want to do, I really didn’t know. This makes his job hard.

I did know that I didn’t want to get my nails done. Sometimes, I do like a pedicure, but I hate the nail part. I have short arms. It is uncomfortable for me to lean forward over the desk area and my feet don’t touch the floor. So after a few days of thinking about it, I was brave and told Travis I didn’t want to do it. As weird as it sounds, I wanted to log onto a meeting for work in the morning. Then I needed to shower and wash my hair. So we went to lunch and I asked if we could go for a walk  because it was sunny outside. I’m pretty sure a little dose of sunshine, fresh air, and vitamin D helps everyone. 

Reciprocate the Love and Appreciation you Received

I do realize that when I am in a ‘woe is me’ and crybaby space, that I am only pointing fingers at what others are doing or not doing, but there are three fingers pointed back at me. I expect a lot from friends and family, but am I living up to those standards myself? And treating others how I would want to be treated. I live with too much empathy and have a very sensitive heart and absorbing mind. I am intuitive and lately even think I’m a smidge psychic… that’s for another article…don’t laugh at me. That said, I am great at giving and caring especially when something is right in my face and space. But just like everyone else, I can be very out of sight, out of mind.

So yesterday, when I received a nice birthday text, I tried my best not to just reply thank you and keep it moving. I wanted to express appreciation and extend interesting and caring towards those who did the same for me. I have too many old friends that our text history is twice a year, “happy birthday! Thank you!… happy birthday to you! Aw, thank you so much!”. The phone works both ways. So if any of you are reading this please know, I know I am a flawed person, and I am working on it. I hope that working on myself will help me be a better wife, mother, sister, sister in law, daughter in law, aunt, nurse, and friend.

Faith over Fear

Ok, this is kinda a big one. I never grew up with much religion. In one way, I am grateful for this. I know so many people that have a lot of resentment and hate for their religious background, filled with hypocrisy and judgement.

Now that said, I am realizing that if you don’t have a faith in something greater than yourself and a belief that there is a greater meaning to this life, it is making it pretty hard to have faith in myself. And hard to believe that there is something/someone out there that does love me and is guiding me. If you don’t have a strong belief in a God, then it’s hard to believe in a heaven and that loved ones who have passed away are still out there somewhere watching, guiding, and proud of us. And when I think of all that, it makes me feel a bit lonely and depressed. 

So right now, I have started researching different religions and beliefs, local churches, soul searching for what I believe. I have been fighting my tendency to rely solely on logic and poke holes in the mystery that is God, a higher power, miracles, and religion and just drop my guard a little bit and find some faith. It’s been an interesting beginning to a journey. I love to research. It brings me comfort to have this thing to hyper focus on and learn all about. I love hearing about other religions that I had no clue about and realize how they really aren’t THAT different from what I am familiar with.  But the information, research, and knowledge are one thing, the next step will be much more difficult for me. 

Music for the Soul

Music is can be very powerful to evoke emotions. I have discovered that I really have a deep love and appreciation for good music. Here is another thing that makes this newly 36 year old feel old AF, but I truly am clueless to a lot of todays new music 😬😳🫣. When I saw the list of this years Best New Artists for the Grammy Awards, I think I only had heard of 1 or 2! I can appreciate fun or dance music with a catchy anthem. That’s fun, and in line with mood, it can definitely lift a mood and put a smile on your face. 

Music as a Coping Mechanism Deserves its own Section

I prefer music with powerful vocals, meaningful lyrics, and I really appreciate actual instruments. It is fascinating to me the process of producing, composing, and writing that such small changes in timing for example, can be so impactful . So, that said, I like a range of music. Now, don’t get confused, I do love music that can be considered as ratchet as it comes, just not much of this new stuff. Don’t let me hear “cash money taking over for the ’99 and the 2000’s” if you aren’t ready for what comes from me after.

An Interesting Range of Musical Interest

My favorites being old R&B, soulful hip hop, and on the wayyy other side of the spectrum, I like alternative rock, kinda emo music. When I need to get hype or show someone this old ass bitch can still twerk, I love Go-Go music. Now, if you are not from DC or Maryland you probably don’t know what that is. It’s definitely different, but I love the live bands and it is a mood lifter.

If you read my welcome and about me page of the site, you’ll see I kinda mention this. During most of my life I was so busy masking myself and everything going on in my life that I didn’t even know who I was. It was much more important for me to worry about what other people thought and to blend in with the people around me. I was scared to explore things outside of what was considered popular. I wish I could say that at 36 years old, I have gained the confidence to not give a fuck what people thought of such minor things about me that effect literally no one but me. But that would be a lie.

So many playlists

I have made so many playlists on my Apple Music for whatever mood I am in, want to be in, or maybe want to get out of. So yesterday, for my birthday, I utilized my playlist I made of songs that are “authentically me”. Some of my all time favorite songs that I would almost never hit skip across all genres. The playlist includes artists ranging from Beyonce’ to Paramore, Kanye West to Nirvana, and Amy Winehouse to The Roots. 

Music and playlists can be powerful. There are times when I want to listen to sad songs, songs about depression or heartbreak, and just kind of wallow in my sadness. You need to let those feelings out. Not always trying to push them down and make yourself in a happy mood when you aren’t happy. I call that a minor key mood. Then, I have songs that aren’t pop and super peppy, but more upbeat or faster tempo. Louder music that acknowledges your down feelings or bad mood, but kinda says “hell yea, you can make it through this!” I wanted to share some of my favorite songs for these times in our life, in case anyone is looking for songs to put on your own mad, sad, depressed playlist. 

Minor Key Mood

These are just a few songs from my playlist I listen to when I am really down. When I am down and want to just wallow in it, when the thought of trying to get myself out of it is just too much.

Fix You: Cold Play

This song is about loss, whether that be a loss of love or loss of yourself, and someone is there to have your back. When the lyrics reads “when the tears come streaming down your face, when you lose someone you can’t replace…” I immediately cry. Pretty much anytime I hear it. And many times we need that release. And towards the end of the song the music gets a bit louder and the tempo increases and it really helps me give acknowledgement to these big feelings and honestly, big problems I have in life. 

I’m Tired: Labrinth

The opening lyrics of the song send a clear message that most people with mental illness or addiction can relate to. “Hey Lord, you know I’m tired… Hey Lord, you know I’m tired of tears, Hey Lord, just cut me loose… Hey Lord, you know I’m fighting… I’m sure this world is done with me, Hey Lord, you know it’s true”. It is truly exhausting to fight with mental illness. To fight against the sadness, the anxiety, the despair.

Despair of having no hope that tomorrow will be any better. Depression makes you want to give up. But then the most talented Zendaya starts with “Hey Lord, you know I’m trying…It’s all I’ve got, is that enough? Hey Lord, you know I’m fighting, Hey Lord, you know I’ll find it” and that is the hope. That is the not gonna give up at least right now. It’s a beautiful song made popular from HBO’s Euphoria. 

God Must Hate Me: Catie Turner

The title tells it all. For me, this song just really put into words a lot of the grief and resentment I hold towards the world for the hand I have been dealt and the things I have had to go through. The songs sings, “Wow, God must hate me. Cause he spent so much time on them, and for me, he got lazy?” When you either go through so much, deal with mental illness that others don’t seem to have, or look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, it can be easier to place blame on someone or something else. This is exactly what the next set of lyrics speak to,

“Do you ever see someone and think, wow God must hate me? I’ll let his take accountability for everything that’s wrong with me, can’t hold myself responsible, so I blame the metaphysical… I don’t know what I believe, but its easier to think, he made a mistake with me”. 

Catie Turnet

In My Blood: Shawn Mendes

This song was one that I listened to on repeat a few years ago when the anxiety really took over my life and I was spiraling. The lyrics were just so relatable, so to have something that explained just how you felt was powerful. And on top of that, to know, wow, someone else has felt such similar feelings and had such similar thoughts.

“Help me, its like the walls are caving ins sometimes I feel like giving up… laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing, I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something I could take to ease my mind slowly. Just have a drink and you’ll feel better…keep telling me that it gets better, does it ever?”. The first two words: Help me. That right there is powerful. When you feel so low, its so hard to even ask for help. The song is about giving in and giving up, but then says I just can’t, it isn’t in my blood. So many people can relate.

I have heard numerous moms or moms-to-be discuss postpartum depression, and how they empathize with people who have those psychosis thoughts or harming yourself or even your child, or relating to the suicical ideation but following it up with, I mean of course I would never actually do that. I know I can’t do that and wouldn’t do that to my family. But what so many don’t realize, you say you would never do that, but the people who harm themselves or die by suicide once thought they would never actually do that. These feelings and thoughts and illness are powerful. Finding the strength to keep going through it and hoping to get to a better place is the message. 

My Mind and Me: Selena Gomez

Wow. This song is incredible. And when you watch her new documentary on Apple+ TV, you know how real it is. “I’m constantly tryna fight something that my eyes can’t see. My mind and me, we don’t get along sometimes, and it gets hard to breath”. Short but clear. Mental illness is a brain disease. It is real. But trying to explain to people who can’t see or understand can be extremely difficult. Especially when you yourself can’t understand or see really. But the resolution is clear when she sings, “If somebody sees me like this, then they won’t feel alone now…But if I pull back the curtain, then maybe someone who’s hurting will be a little more certain they’re not the only one lost,” 

And that what this blog, this website is all about. It’s to help me, this is how I have a way to journal. For example, this article, I started this morning with an idea to write out my birthday blues and through just journaling and following my thoughts and the importance of these strategies and helping others brought me to multiple pages. I feel alone and lonely with these illnesses and this darkness, I feel like a burden. I KNOW other people go though these things, are even worse off than me, and I still feel alone. The highlight reel that is social media does not help. So I want this website to reach more people, so they can feel not so alone and hopefully find even just one thing that helps them. 

Now for a list of songs when maybe you are sad or mad, but instead of the tears and despair, you are ready to scream, run, and power through. And when I say power through, I do not mean push to the side or sweep under the rug. What I mean is to face your feelings and tell them to fuck off. You are not going to control me right now. 

I am Sad, but I am Strong

I Am Here: P!nk

This song is an anthem. It is the shit. “I’ve already seen the bottom, so there’s nothing to fear, I know that I’ll be ready when the devil is near. I am here.” The song is about fighting. Fighting through this pain, being strong, rolling with the punches. And P!nk is just amazing, I could listen to her sign the phone book. Wait, anyone born after 1999, so you know what the phone book is? The yellow pages?

Smells Like Teen Spirit: Nirvana

In my opinion, a “best of” type list should include Nirvana. Iconic. Such an impact on music in such a short time. It is well known that Kurt Cobain struggled with mental illness and died from suicide. He was before his time. Before Kanye, before Kid Cudi, before ASAP rocky, Kurt Cobain wore dresses on stage. He had an androgynous style. I could see if he was on 2023, maybe he would identify as non-binary. But he wasn’t in 2023. It was 1997, and it must have been hard for him to be himself. For a rock n roller with mental illness that was a pioneer in speaking about LGBTQ+ rights to be themselves. And I will tell you from experience, its torment to not be able to be yourself. This number 1 song of the 90’s carries power. It makes me feel I should let loose and be myself. 

Everyday: Logic

This song is just one you have to turn up the volume in the car, and know that you are a boss bitch, and whether its working at a job, working at home for your family, working though your problems, working to better yourself, etc etc, you better work. (Make sure you say that last line in your best RuPaul voice). The lyrics are simple yet powerful, “I work hard ever motherfuckin’ dayyy, I work hard, I work hard… but today is my day, its my day, no matter what they say, its my day,”

I also like how he shouts out “Knuck if you Buck” which was such an anthem in 2004 and makes me think of my senior year of high school. He also shows love to “the 301” AKA Maryland where we are both from. Despite living in NC for a few years now, I have a lot of Maryland pride.

**fun fact: Logic and me went to the same high school. He was a freshman when I was a senior, so no I don’t know him.

Basket Case: Green Day

The title makes it clear. Again, ahead of its time. In the 90’s people just didn’t write songs about anxiety, calling themselves neurotic and a basket case. Writing about asking for help. Especially in such an upbeat garage punk band style. In 1994 the rock space was still taken up by a more emo and grunge sound like Nirvana, and here comes these punk guys from Cali talking singing about anxiety. And that is why this song has stood the test of time, still well known and being talked about almost 30 years later. 

Anxiety: Megan the Stallion

This is a great song. Plus even more rare that just any song being about anxiety and mental illness, which is actually usually more subtle within the lyrics, is anxiety being the title and in a rap song. This song actually makes me think of my best friend, who like Meg, is from Houston. Not that I am an expert on the Black experience even a little, but its fairly common knowledge that the Black community (in general terms) are later in the game coming around to the concept of mental illness and therapy especially, and this song seems to allude to that. I think this song could be very helpful to a lot of people.

“I’m a bad bitch and I’ve got bad anxiety, people call me rude cause I ain’t lettin’ em try me. Saying I’m a ho cause I’m in love with my body, issues, but nobody I could talk to about it. They keep sayin’ I should get help, but I don’t even know what I need,” 

Megan the Stallion

Is Anxiety Transitioning from Medical Term to Buzzword?

Not just people in the Black community, but there’s a reason why the millennial generation has been so vocal about therapy and mental health in recent years. Because we are the first generation to really utilize the help and identify the problem out loud (aloud?). Our parents (baby boomers to older gen X’ers) weren’t taught themselves to share their feelings and that it was ok to take a rest day or what depression or anxiety even was. They went through the changing of terms like anxiety, depression, and PTSD from hysteria, lunatic, and psychosis. With treatments like lobotomies and electrical shock therapy, of course no one was talking about their feelings. They were medicating though… we can save that for another time. But just watch any documentary about the start of Xanax and amphetamines.

I do sometimes agree with the curmudgeons that say “oh these millennials and gen z’ers, so quick to take a medication to say they have ADHD or anxiety..”. But what if the younger generations really are fucking traumatized by all we/they have experienced in such a short life thus far. School shooting rates increasing by the hundreds, a major financial crash in 2008, 9/11, the ridiculous house of horrors American politics has become, and now Covid-19 that no generation alive has ever experienced.

Trauma is also a bit of a buzzword right now

But this life IS pretty traumatic for a lot of people. Even if its not sexual trauma or abuse, just witnesses the entire worlds trauma all day everyday with 24 hour news and social media is a lot for our brains to absorb and process. Covid is traumatic. Kids being scared their grandparents could die, taken out of school, disruption of their entire routine. People have loved ones die alone in hospitals before they allowed visitors, nurses and healthcare professionals seeing patients die on the daily: all traumatic.

Don’t make me pull out my statistics of the death toll from Covid in the United States vs 9/11, yet we are supposed to suck it up and get back to work. Or people like me, nurses “know what they signed up for”, oh and don’t forget to make sure your 6 year old did her virtual learning when you get home from a 13 hour shift where a pregnant mom died after a bedside ICU stat c-section… ok let me stop this rant before my heart rate gets too high. 

All that to say thank goodness that people now have the language to say how they are feeling and asking for help. Because with all that has changed in the world and social media and the immense about of comparison culture and pressure that puts on, people may have more mental illness but at least they are trying to get the support and coping mechanisms they need. 

Now to Put these Coping Mechanisms into Practice

Were those coping mechanisms new information? Do they seem like they could be helpful for you in real life? I know that it is much more fun to find an aesthetically pleasing notebook to journal in than to actually journal. Trust me, I have so many notebooks, even tiny pocket ones that I thought would be helpful to keep in different places around the house and in my purse. I think I’ve written on one page. I just knew bullet journaling and three word journaling would work…

But, this blog is kinda journaling. It’s a lot of work to make this aesthetically pleasing, but it feels like a hobby not a therapy coping mechanism.

While this article, blog post, whatever I am supposed to call it, was really written for myself, I hope someone will read it and find something helpful in it. To know they aren’t alone, and feel inspired to work on themselves.

In conclusion

Check out some music you might not normally listen to, try out bullet journaling, text someone you haven’t checked in with in a while. Being of service to others really is good for your own soul. Research a new religion, not just for conversion purposes, but I always say knowledge is power. You will probably find its got a lot of similarities to a religion you might practice. At the end of the day, most of us are more alike than we are different, and if more people thought like that, the world would be a kinder place to be. And if you get nothing else from this post, I hope you at least got a laugh at my embarrassing childhood pictures.

OK, just throwing this out there: in order for people to read and relate and get use out of these coping mechanisms, they have to find this site and this post. So if you are reading this and enjoyed, please share with someone else you think might like it or get something out of it. Share it to your instagram story, especially if you have over a thousand followers 😉 and check out my IG @mental.mommy.nurse